How Can We Be Better Partners?
I find it wildly scary to be vulnerable with another human being. It seems like a trap and a test; both at the same time. It is comparable to how delicate a day is. In order to be fully engaged in the present, we also need to be equally acquainted with the fact that the day is expiring and escaping as we live through it. We can either respond to the doom and gloom, or cower away and die. Sure enough, it is easier to surrender.
However, it will probably suck the soul out of many of us.
As much as possible, we want to live in the magical moment where our partners still to this day look at us like how he or she looked at us on the first day that we were dating. In order to do so, I propose (unromantically) that there is a need to create some form of structure and system to bring about quantifiable accountability in the relationship.
I believe we need some practices and principles to be put into motion to alleviate any potential pain and unnecessary suffering. I don’t think there is much of an issue when it comes to going through the good times. The problems only start to seep in when we have to weather the storms in a relationship. It is simple to talk about the need of compassion and care, but let’s try to break things down in an approachable and applicable way.
I believe one of the key questions we need to ask ourselves is: How well do we know our partners, especially when they’re stressed?
It is important to note that everyone experiences stress in a different manner. It is even more crucial to note that everyone de-stress in a different manner too. What we may experience as stress might be a source of energy and motivation to our partners. With this in mind, we want to know what events are stressful for our partners and ways to go about alleviating this emotional burden. Here are some questions that can serve as a good gauge on some of the areas we may have been blindsided on all along:
Do we know and understand what causes our partners to feel stressful?
It may seem like a trivial matter to us, but it may not be for them. A common theme is travelling overseas for a holiday. For some of us, we see it as a trip to explore freely. There is not much of a need for detailed planning or a concrete agenda. However, it may work differently for our partners. A holiday trip may have the tendency to slip into the category of “work” where he or she needs some time and energy to at least draft or arrange a rough idea of what is going to happen.
Are we available to lend a listening ear?
We have all gone through experiences of wrestling with that critic in our minds and listening to all sorts of awful things. Some were lies born of fear, and others were born of ignorance. It is as though we live in echo chambers, surrounded by our own derailed voices. In moments like these, we want someone to talk to. More than that, in moments like these, we want someone who is willing to sit and really listen to us. We don’t necessarily want an objective feedback.
Sometimes all we need is an emotional outlet and convenient comfort food.
Do we know and understand what activities help as stress relievers for our partners?
Do they need some personal space and time for themselves? Do they turn to their favourite soothing music, or a book they have read a million times? Even though exercising is scientifically proven to be one of the best ways to relieve stress, it may not be the most preferred way for our partners to do so. Sometimes the most astonishing accomplishment we can do is to observe them from afar and seek to understand their patterns.
More often than not, we find ourselves expressing our emotions rather than explaining them. We find ourselves expressing our anger, but we hardly explain it. But if we can spend some time understanding why our partners feel a certain way and specific steps to dissolve the issue, we’ll start to see that they don’t need us to light up the world, they simply need us to sit with them in the dark.
