How Can We Better Manage Our Friendships?

Most relationships, be it platonic or romantic, begin in what our society has so fittingly labeled the honeymoon phase. We don’t have to put much into it. It is naturally ignited with passion, and possibly tons of supper at 2 am just because we feel like it. We make each other laugh is all we ever need to justify this relationship.

All of a sudden, everything ends.

Suddenly, those butterflies are an endangered species. It is not a very romantic truism, so it doesn’t make the cut into fairy tales and popular culture. However, the thing about intimacy is that it never stays in the same place. Intimacy and passion rise and fall with the stresses of life. So if we feel a drop now and then, let’s not freak out. It doesn’t mean that a relationship is broken, it is simply the nature of how intimacy works. Let’s not forget that our best friends are highly likely to fly 3000 miles at the drop of a phone call to save us from a break-up.

Can they make it in time though? I wonder.

It seems that there is a huge contradiction living through midlife as we go back and forth with the notion of “but we’re only twenty four” and “but we’re already twenty four”. I guess it is a way of us trying to figure things out as we undergo various major transitions like school to work. I believe such transitions are bound to set us back in our friendships, when time and energy becomes magically limited to only Friday nights and weekends. Since we know that things will be different and issues are bound to arise, we want to find out how to secure a better chance of surviving a long term friendship, especially during this mini-crisis phase. We can start by asking a couple of questions.

Is this friendship something I have or something I do?

We used to sing silly songs to one another. We used to hug so hard that it hurts. We used to run on the treadmill until our heads fall off. We used to do all these things and we managed to build something special between us. But are we still doing anything together? Complacency and taking each other for granted are often detrimental to a friendship, especially one that has been in existence for years. Am I treating my friendships as a possession, or am I treating my friendships with progression?

Is this friendship something I am grateful for? More importantly, am I expressing my gratitude?

While it has been scientifically proven that one of the greatest contributing factors to overall happiness in a relationship is how much gratitude we show, we still don’t do it enough. The minimal existence or relative absence of gratitude being shown towards each other is a worrisome disclosure. When one party stops saying things like, “You’re the meaning of my life, without you, what is the point!?”, the other party will naturally respond in a similar manner by emotionally withdrawing and becoming equally unaffectionate. We often underestimate the positive consequences of expressing regular communication of gratitude. It doesn’t need to be sophisticated. It doesn’t need to be packaged with a beautiful bow. Sometimes all our friends need is a simple thanks and a tight hug.

Am I discussing my concerns about this friendship?

It is easy to peek on the little seats outside the cafe, wait for a table to free up inside, and look through the menu. It is simple to reminisce about the time both of us plotted putting that red brick into our teacher’s bag. But it is insanely difficult to each take a stab at telling what the other person needs in this friendship. We think we know it all, but do we? It is even more challenging to have the guts to be vulnerable to share what we feel may be going wrong in this friendship. It is almost like a system of checks and balances. When left unchecked, this holding back can generate resentments that metastasize in the friendship and may create irreparable damage. As we move through the various demands and strains in life, let’s not forget to water our friendship with the necessary support and security. Sometimes it isn’t just about the pizza and pasta, but the care and concern that comes behind it.