How Can We Have Better Conversations?

I’ve always thought that all of us can naturally have good conversations with people. As long as some form of chemistry exists between two or more parties, it will provide the interpersonal oil to smooth the way into a conversation. However, as I get to know more people and step into different situations, it seems like having a mere decent conversation isn’t something innate within us at all. Soon after, I discovered that communication, like many other things in life, is more of a skill than a natural ability. If it is a skill, it means that if we don’t work on it, we’ll probably become rusty. It also means that if we constantly work on it, there is a high chance that we will improve our communication skills.

Even when it comes to friends and family members, sometimes the conversation can get a little too quiet. It is almost as though we run out of fresh things to say. Given the vast amount of topics we can talk about, it is definitely not the case that we have nothing to share about of our lives. From time to time, the situation can get a bit awkward when both individuals are not comfortable with silence. Imagine you bump into a friend and both of you happen to be commuting to the same destination, somehow the minutes seem to be dragging on longer than it needs to.

Now, you just can’t wait to arrive at your destination.

We all know that healthy communication nurtures human relationship, and as much as silence can be therapeutic, there are moments when we want to speak, but we don’t know how to. Worse still, coming short when the conversation switches to us, when it concerns a potential business partnership or a new coworker, might have a severe impact on our career. Here are some ways we may want to explore in becoming a better communicator:

We can learn to look for cues as conversation jumping-off points. It isn’t just about expressing ourselves openly and honestly, but doing it in a way that is actually relevant to the other party; especially in our first point of contact. Sometimes it can simply be dedicating a little more effort into paying attention on what they wear.

Sometimes it is about staying on top of the news and using it as a hook to sink their attention in.

We can learn to listen too. It isn’t about hearing what the other person is saying, but actually concentrating on the nuances he or she is trying to convey. What does that sentence mean? What does that line speak of his character? How would we describe his personality based on what he just said? If we’re too focused on what we are gonna say next, we’ll miss opportunities to follow up on good talking points right in front of us. There could be areas of similarity between us and the person we happen to bump into. When we listen, we’re gaining new information. But when we speak, the tendency is that we’re regurgitating what we already know. Also, when we listen and prompt further, it sets a spark of interest in wanting to know more about the other party.

This is crucial, because some people are not as comfortable in sharing more of themselves until they feel confident or are prompted to.

We can learn to pay attention as well. Silence may not be a bad thing. In fact, a quiet interlude in an otherwise lively conversation may just be the little break that the other party needs. It may get a little taxing on the mind to sustain a conversation, hence a break allows us to refocus our thoughts. In such moments, we ought to hone in on whether the other person would like to break off from the conversation. Aside from learning how to open and initiate a conversation, it is equally as important to learn how to close a conversation too. If people sense that we don’t know when to stop talking, whether it is saying goodbye at the door or letting our friends to get on with their tasks, they’ll tend to stay away from getting entangled in what they’ll perceive as a tedious interaction.

Micro-affirmation is something we all need to practise on. It may be a comment or a simple gesture that elevates our sense of humanity and common bonds with others. It is a very subtle kind of assertion that brings people together. The heart of a micro-affirmation is leading people to feel that they matter, and that is when we can hold a good conversation with them. The special thing about conversations? It tend to lead to surprising outcomes that can broaden our fulfillment in unexpected ways.